Another Day........

We talked about adoption off and on but always ended up angry, frustrated and confused at why I couldn't get pregnant. The doctors said we were both normal, so why was it that everyone else was having baby's, and we couldn't.

Everyone around me was having babies. The first big shot to the heart was when I found out my sister-in-law was expecting. We had bought an older camper and we had been working on cleaning it up, painting, and redoing the inside. One afternoon when I was outside sanding the walls the phone rang, it was my dear mother-in-law. She became the conversation by asking if I had talked to my sister-in-law that day, I hadn't so my mother-in-law proceeded to tell me that my sister-in-law was pregnant. My heart sank. After ending the phone call I sat in the camper and began to cry. Kendall got home from work to find me in the camper sobbing and he know that I had just heard the news about my sister-in-law. He sat beside me and held me. I asked him why? How was that fair? We had been trying for so long.

Soon the next big hit, my other sister-in-law was also expecting a baby. How was it possible to have so much hurt when someone else was feeling the joy of expecting there first child. As time went by, the hurt grew stronger and then came the hate towards all those who were pregnant, everywhere I went, all that people talked about was be pregnant.

First Mention of Adopting

Once again the ride home was quiet. We just had short small every day conversation that really didn't mean anything to either one of us. Arriving home was just like every other time, we both went our separate ways Kendall working in his shed and me doing stuff around the house to keep my mind busy. At night we would lay in bed and watch TV and hold each other tight. That is usually when the tears started rolling in and Kendall would hold me and comfort me.

The following Sunday was quiet interesting. Like all the Sundays had been recently I didn't want to go to church. We were sitting on the recliner talking and the tears started to flow again. Kendal ls emotions started to flow too with the thought of me not getting pregnant. We held each other tight as I asked if he had ever thought about adopting a baby.

Alrighty folks!! I finally got myblogs back up and running! I know it only took me a year, but here we are again!! lol I will continue posting very soon!! Thanks for all your support!

Post 17

The doctor told us that the next step would be to take my egg with Kendalls sperm and put them together in a dish and see what they did. If it worked they would inseminate me with them. The cost of this would be a lot more, into the thousands of dollars, and there was only a 30% chance of it working. When the doctor told me that my heart sank. I looked at Kendall and we both were thinking the same way. We told the doctor that this was something we wanted to talk about before we made a decision. We gathered up our stuff and headed back home.

There is no way I could go through with any more infertility treatments. I was burned out. Kendall was burned out. With only a 30% chance of this next step even working and to spend all that money and to go through the emotional stuff and to and to and to................. What about adopting?

Post 16

We made the decision to go back up north to the doctor and see what our next step was. When we got there the nurse lead us into the room and I once again derobed. (I was truly getting fast about getting my clothes off and getting that beautiful hospital robe on. lol. ) Kendall and I didn't talk much. We sat in silence as the doctor came into the room. He did another exam as he left the room he asked me to get dressed and then he would be back in. After I was dressed Kendall and I sat in the chairs seated next to each other holding hands waiting for the doctor to return. The doctor returned shortly after and pulled a chair up in front of us. He had our file in hand as he began explaining that he wasn't sure why the insemination's did not work. Kendall and I were both completely normal on the fertility scale. My tubes were not blocked, I was ovulating regularly, everything was perfectly normal on me. Kendall had above average sperm on both the count and the health. Now why wasn't it working?

Post 15

I called the doctor and told them I had started my period. They then told me that when I was ready to set up an appointment for us to discuss other options to call them back. Other options I thought? There was no use. This didn't work so nothing would.

The next few months went by slowly. I had my good days and bad. We would keep ourselves busy by doing things together in the mountains. We didn't bring up the word baby. When we heard about people getting pregnant we would just ignore it. Sex was no longer fun. Why bother? I would cry at the drop of a pin. I would often ask myself why?

Another birthday came. Birthday? All I could think of was the fact that I was getting older and infertile. Why was I even on this earth? I knew Kendall was angry at me, I knew his family thought I was worthless, I knew my family thought I was not meant to be a mother, I knew our bishop thought we were not righteous enough, I knew the lord was punishing me, I knew, I knew, I knew..............................

Post 14

I looked at the calender which had been counted down to 29 days This was the pattern that was followed from day one. I placed a X on it showing the day of the insemination and then counted the remaining days until the next X, which was the day I was to start my period. Every night I would place a check mark on the days date and waited until the next. As the days got closer to the big X I would hold my breath and say a little prayer. One by one the days were marked and then suddenly tomorrow was the big X day. That night in bed I prayed and prayed asking God to not let tomorrow come, and if it did, let me not start my period.

I woke up that morning knowing what was happening. I had the feeling, I know that once I got out of bed that would be the end of it, and my period started.