I called the doctor and told them I had started my period. They then told me that when I was ready to set up an appointment for us to discuss other options to call them back. Other options I thought? There was no use. This didn't work so nothing would.
The next few months went by slowly. I had my good days and bad. We would keep ourselves busy by doing things together in the mountains. We didn't bring up the word baby. When we heard about people getting pregnant we would just ignore it. Sex was no longer fun. Why bother? I would cry at the drop of a pin. I would often ask myself why?
Another birthday came. Birthday? All I could think of was the fact that I was getting older and infertile. Why was I even on this earth? I knew Kendall was angry at me, I knew his family thought I was worthless, I knew my family thought I was not meant to be a mother, I knew our bishop thought we were not righteous enough, I knew the lord was punishing me, I knew, I knew, I knew..............................
Monday, August 23, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Post 14
I looked at the calender which had been counted down to 29 days This was the pattern that was followed from day one. I placed a X on it showing the day of the insemination and then counted the remaining days until the next X, which was the day I was to start my period. Every night I would place a check mark on the days date and waited until the next. As the days got closer to the big X I would hold my breath and say a little prayer. One by one the days were marked and then suddenly tomorrow was the big X day. That night in bed I prayed and prayed asking God to not let tomorrow come, and if it did, let me not start my period.
I woke up that morning knowing what was happening. I had the feeling, I know that once I got out of bed that would be the end of it, and my period started.
I woke up that morning knowing what was happening. I had the feeling, I know that once I got out of bed that would be the end of it, and my period started.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Post 13
I didn't go on four wheeler rides, I didn't exercise, I just took things really easy hoping that if I did this I was pregnant. The time came, we were up camping, and I started my period. I had given up on the fact of ever having a kid. I sent Kendall out on a four wheeler ride with his dad and I laid in the camper and cried. Before Kendall left he asked if I was ok. I told him I was just really tired and wanted to take a nap. He left thinking I was ok. I cried and cried, and even threw a few things around. I just didn't understand why god was making me so miserable. I heard the four-wheelers coming back, I pulled myself together and wore my sunglasses the rest of the night.
We started the ovulation tests one more time. When the results were positive we once again travel to the University of Utah Fertility treatment for our last insemination. We knew the route by heart. We could have closed our eyes to get there. Kendall who was not a city driver was driving like he lived up there. No hesitation, no questions, he was now an expert!
The insemination was over, the doctor shook our hands and we just sat there in quiet for 15 minutes waiting until it was time for me to sit up. I got dressed and we headed home.
We started the ovulation tests one more time. When the results were positive we once again travel to the University of Utah Fertility treatment for our last insemination. We knew the route by heart. We could have closed our eyes to get there. Kendall who was not a city driver was driving like he lived up there. No hesitation, no questions, he was now an expert!
The insemination was over, the doctor shook our hands and we just sat there in quiet for 15 minutes waiting until it was time for me to sit up. I got dressed and we headed home.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Post 12
The ovulation kits once again said positive. We headed north to the fertility clinic. When we got there, we once again paid our money, and Kendall seemed to really be enjoying his new found room, lol. After Kendall was done we went to the cafeteria got some food, then sat in the truck to talk. We talked about this being the time when we were pregnant. God loved us and he didn't want us to hurt anymore so this time it would work.
An hour passed and we went back inside the clinic. We once again went into the room and I got my gown on. It seemed like everything was in rewind and then played forward again. We knew the routine. The doctor came in, said hello again and the insemination started. After the doctor was done he explained to us that if we didn't get pregnant this time he wanted to do it one more time and then we would more on to more aggressive things. Which meant it would cost more money.
We headed home, not getting to excited, because it was to hard to get our hopes up and have them crash down on us. We didn't really talk much on the way home, it seemed like we couldn't get home fast enough. I fell asleep hoping the time would go by faster.
An hour passed and we went back inside the clinic. We once again went into the room and I got my gown on. It seemed like everything was in rewind and then played forward again. We knew the routine. The doctor came in, said hello again and the insemination started. After the doctor was done he explained to us that if we didn't get pregnant this time he wanted to do it one more time and then we would more on to more aggressive things. Which meant it would cost more money.
We headed home, not getting to excited, because it was to hard to get our hopes up and have them crash down on us. We didn't really talk much on the way home, it seemed like we couldn't get home fast enough. I fell asleep hoping the time would go by faster.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Post 11
I was asked to coach the freshman girls basketball team. I was so excited so I said YES! I was getting everything set and ready to take the coaching classes when I once again, started my period. We called the fertility clinic and told them the news, I am sure they were thinking $$$$$$, and they said to get more ovulation tests and come back for another insemination when it was positive.
I was crying ALL the time. One time in particular it was a Sunday afternoon, and I had a total break down. I new it was all my fault that I couldn't get pregnant, I did something wrong, I know I did, If I would have, If I did, Why can they? It went on and on. Kendall held me on the couch for a few hours while I was crying my eyes out, and he in return, shed some tears. I did not understand one bit!!!! I finally stopped crying and I was both mentally and physical tired. We decided to go for a ride. We got into our truck and headed up the street, as we were leaving one of Kendalls good friends flagged us down and told us to look at the tornado in the sky, we thought he was just breaking the tension, but we looked up and there was really a tornado!! Yes, here in little Manti. Now that is a completely different story, but for the rest of the day there was something else to think about, talk about other then BABIES!!!!
I was crying ALL the time. One time in particular it was a Sunday afternoon, and I had a total break down. I new it was all my fault that I couldn't get pregnant, I did something wrong, I know I did, If I would have, If I did, Why can they? It went on and on. Kendall held me on the couch for a few hours while I was crying my eyes out, and he in return, shed some tears. I did not understand one bit!!!! I finally stopped crying and I was both mentally and physical tired. We decided to go for a ride. We got into our truck and headed up the street, as we were leaving one of Kendalls good friends flagged us down and told us to look at the tornado in the sky, we thought he was just breaking the tension, but we looked up and there was really a tornado!! Yes, here in little Manti. Now that is a completely different story, but for the rest of the day there was something else to think about, talk about other then BABIES!!!!
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Post 10
The day I started my period we had to call the Fertility Clinic and let them know. They wanted us to do the ovulation test for another month and when the test said positive we were to call them, once again and have another insemination.
During this time I knew I needed to have faith in God again. I needed his strength. We started going to church again. We got our temple recommends and every time we went to the temple we would put our name on the prayer roll. After a session we would sit in the Celestrial room praying and pleading that we could have a baby.
The time came and I was ovulating once again. We made our way to SLC to the fertility clinic for another insemination. After we went in, filled out the papers, and payed our money, Kendall was once again taken to his "Manly Room". On a funny note, I asked him if I could come in this time and he said ya that would be good. A few minutes later he looked and me and asked me very nicely to please leave the room.
An hour later we were taken into a room and I put on the hospital gown, climbed up onto the table and waited for the doctor. This time when he came in he explained that quite often the insemination doesn't work the first time. Most people end up pregnant on there second insemination. This gave us hope and we were once again excited.
During this time I knew I needed to have faith in God again. I needed his strength. We started going to church again. We got our temple recommends and every time we went to the temple we would put our name on the prayer roll. After a session we would sit in the Celestrial room praying and pleading that we could have a baby.
The time came and I was ovulating once again. We made our way to SLC to the fertility clinic for another insemination. After we went in, filled out the papers, and payed our money, Kendall was once again taken to his "Manly Room". On a funny note, I asked him if I could come in this time and he said ya that would be good. A few minutes later he looked and me and asked me very nicely to please leave the room.
An hour later we were taken into a room and I put on the hospital gown, climbed up onto the table and waited for the doctor. This time when he came in he explained that quite often the insemination doesn't work the first time. Most people end up pregnant on there second insemination. This gave us hope and we were once again excited.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Post 9
We went to the store and bought more ovulation kits, I would take my temp ever morning before I woke up to see if it was a little higher then normal and if it was I would start the ovulation kits. Once the ovulation kit said "yes" I called the Fertility Clinic and the next day we were on our way to SLC.
This was the first time we did insemination's. I thought well this is a strange, non personal way to get pregnant, but it has to work!! We went into the office, filled out the paper work, and payed our money. Why on earth does insurances pay for the recovery of a druggie or an alcoholic, something that people cause on there own, but it wont pay for infertility, something that we have no control over??? Do they not think it is a medical condition?? Okay anyways, We payed them our money, and Kendall went into his "fancy MAN room", and I went and had my blood drawn. When we were both all done Kendall handed over his, "special formula". They then start working on the sperm and blood together. They go through and get the best sperm and mix it with some of the blood so the semen is already used to me before it gets in me. This takes about and hour for them to do so we decided to go for a little drive.
The Fertility Clinic is really close to the Hogle Zoo so we drove up there and it was free day, so we went inside and looked around until it was time to go back to the clinic. We held hands and talked as we were walking around. Dreaming about what we were going to name our child, because today was the day we were going to get pregnant. It had to be the day, we had already waited so long. This is all we needed was a little help.
An hour passed and we headed back to the clinic. When we got there we were taken into a room were I put on a hospital gown and I lay down on a bed. The doctor came in with a strange looking syringe. He lifted the bed up high and put my legs up. He told me it would take just a minute. After it was all done, he told me not to move for 15 minutes. I layed there excited thinking that it was a strange way to get pregnant, but I was excited and full of joy. After 15 minutes, Kendall wouldn't let me bend over or anything so he helped me get dressed, and with big smiles on our faces we headed home, knowing that this had to work.
Once again it was time for my period. I waited and waited, I was 2 days late, then I started. I cried and cried and when Kendall got I had to give him the news that I started my period. I was NOT pregnant.
This was the first time we did insemination's. I thought well this is a strange, non personal way to get pregnant, but it has to work!! We went into the office, filled out the paper work, and payed our money. Why on earth does insurances pay for the recovery of a druggie or an alcoholic, something that people cause on there own, but it wont pay for infertility, something that we have no control over??? Do they not think it is a medical condition?? Okay anyways, We payed them our money, and Kendall went into his "fancy MAN room", and I went and had my blood drawn. When we were both all done Kendall handed over his, "special formula". They then start working on the sperm and blood together. They go through and get the best sperm and mix it with some of the blood so the semen is already used to me before it gets in me. This takes about and hour for them to do so we decided to go for a little drive.
The Fertility Clinic is really close to the Hogle Zoo so we drove up there and it was free day, so we went inside and looked around until it was time to go back to the clinic. We held hands and talked as we were walking around. Dreaming about what we were going to name our child, because today was the day we were going to get pregnant. It had to be the day, we had already waited so long. This is all we needed was a little help.
An hour passed and we headed back to the clinic. When we got there we were taken into a room were I put on a hospital gown and I lay down on a bed. The doctor came in with a strange looking syringe. He lifted the bed up high and put my legs up. He told me it would take just a minute. After it was all done, he told me not to move for 15 minutes. I layed there excited thinking that it was a strange way to get pregnant, but I was excited and full of joy. After 15 minutes, Kendall wouldn't let me bend over or anything so he helped me get dressed, and with big smiles on our faces we headed home, knowing that this had to work.
Once again it was time for my period. I waited and waited, I was 2 days late, then I started. I cried and cried and when Kendall got I had to give him the news that I started my period. I was NOT pregnant.
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