Time passes on....

I was able to watch my wonderful nephew for 4 years. He became part of my heart.

Kendall and I talked about adoption off and on, but deep down inside we didn't want to give up the hope of having a baby. We began praying about it and looking into adoption more and more. Could we really love a child that wasn't ours? What if the baby didn't look like us? What would people say? If we did adopt everyone would know that we couldn't get pregnant, so they would look at me differently, like I had something wrong with me. Adopting for was me saying I am OK with not getting pregnant, but I wasn't OK with it!!

One night we drove up the sheep trail for a 4-wheeler ride. I was having a very emotional day. We drove for awhile then we stopped and went for a walk. We sat at the edge of a cliff and Kendall asked me what he needed to do to make me happy. He didn't need to do anything, He knew what I wanted cause he wanted it to. We had been married for 8 years, we wanted to be parents. We wanted to have our house filled with children's laughter, we wanted to hold out kids tight every night and snuggle on the couch. Whenever we talked about adoption Kendall would always clam up and I would just get frustrated, not knowing his reason why he didn't want to adopt. Up until this day I didn't understand why, he became to tell me how he felt about it. He knew it would be hard to raise a baby of our know, but he could handle that, but he was terrified of raising a child who was not ours. What if there was something wrong with the baby? What if things didn't work out and I was finally pushed over the edge? What if the baby was a different color than we were, what if our families could not accept the child, what if the community wouldn't accept this child? What if, What if, What if? We talked about things for a few hours when we decided to pray about it and see what the lord wanted us to do.

My nephews parents and older sibling were going out of the country for a few week and asked if we would be willing to watch him while they were gone. We said yes, during that time we prayed together hoping for an answer. The weeks passed and my brother-in-law family returned from their vacation. Our house was now quiet again, no little one running around, no little one crying and being comforted by me. Laying in bed, not cuddling with a little one, Kendall said, and i will never forget it, Lets put our papers in to adopt.

We contacted LDS Family Services and the process began. We filled out all the paper work, we met with our case worker, we had our home study done, now all we needed to do was wait, and wait, and wait......