The doctor told us that the next step would be to take my egg with Kendalls sperm and put them together in a dish and see what they did. If it worked they would inseminate me with them. The cost of this would be a lot more, into the thousands of dollars, and there was only a 30% chance of it working. When the doctor told me that my heart sank. I looked at Kendall and we both were thinking the same way. We told the doctor that this was something we wanted to talk about before we made a decision. We gathered up our stuff and headed back home.
There is no way I could go through with any more infertility treatments. I was burned out. Kendall was burned out. With only a 30% chance of this next step even working and to spend all that money and to go through the emotional stuff and to and to and to................. What about adopting?
Monday, December 13, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Post 16
We made the decision to go back up north to the doctor and see what our next step was. When we got there the nurse lead us into the room and I once again derobed. (I was truly getting fast about getting my clothes off and getting that beautiful hospital robe on. lol. ) Kendall and I didn't talk much. We sat in silence as the doctor came into the room. He did another exam as he left the room he asked me to get dressed and then he would be back in. After I was dressed Kendall and I sat in the chairs seated next to each other holding hands waiting for the doctor to return. The doctor returned shortly after and pulled a chair up in front of us. He had our file in hand as he began explaining that he wasn't sure why the insemination's did not work. Kendall and I were both completely normal on the fertility scale. My tubes were not blocked, I was ovulating regularly, everything was perfectly normal on me. Kendall had above average sperm on both the count and the health. Now why wasn't it working?
Monday, August 23, 2010
Post 15
I called the doctor and told them I had started my period. They then told me that when I was ready to set up an appointment for us to discuss other options to call them back. Other options I thought? There was no use. This didn't work so nothing would.
The next few months went by slowly. I had my good days and bad. We would keep ourselves busy by doing things together in the mountains. We didn't bring up the word baby. When we heard about people getting pregnant we would just ignore it. Sex was no longer fun. Why bother? I would cry at the drop of a pin. I would often ask myself why?
Another birthday came. Birthday? All I could think of was the fact that I was getting older and infertile. Why was I even on this earth? I knew Kendall was angry at me, I knew his family thought I was worthless, I knew my family thought I was not meant to be a mother, I knew our bishop thought we were not righteous enough, I knew the lord was punishing me, I knew, I knew, I knew..............................
The next few months went by slowly. I had my good days and bad. We would keep ourselves busy by doing things together in the mountains. We didn't bring up the word baby. When we heard about people getting pregnant we would just ignore it. Sex was no longer fun. Why bother? I would cry at the drop of a pin. I would often ask myself why?
Another birthday came. Birthday? All I could think of was the fact that I was getting older and infertile. Why was I even on this earth? I knew Kendall was angry at me, I knew his family thought I was worthless, I knew my family thought I was not meant to be a mother, I knew our bishop thought we were not righteous enough, I knew the lord was punishing me, I knew, I knew, I knew..............................
Monday, July 12, 2010
Post 14
I looked at the calender which had been counted down to 29 days This was the pattern that was followed from day one. I placed a X on it showing the day of the insemination and then counted the remaining days until the next X, which was the day I was to start my period. Every night I would place a check mark on the days date and waited until the next. As the days got closer to the big X I would hold my breath and say a little prayer. One by one the days were marked and then suddenly tomorrow was the big X day. That night in bed I prayed and prayed asking God to not let tomorrow come, and if it did, let me not start my period.
I woke up that morning knowing what was happening. I had the feeling, I know that once I got out of bed that would be the end of it, and my period started.
I woke up that morning knowing what was happening. I had the feeling, I know that once I got out of bed that would be the end of it, and my period started.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Post 13
I didn't go on four wheeler rides, I didn't exercise, I just took things really easy hoping that if I did this I was pregnant. The time came, we were up camping, and I started my period. I had given up on the fact of ever having a kid. I sent Kendall out on a four wheeler ride with his dad and I laid in the camper and cried. Before Kendall left he asked if I was ok. I told him I was just really tired and wanted to take a nap. He left thinking I was ok. I cried and cried, and even threw a few things around. I just didn't understand why god was making me so miserable. I heard the four-wheelers coming back, I pulled myself together and wore my sunglasses the rest of the night.
We started the ovulation tests one more time. When the results were positive we once again travel to the University of Utah Fertility treatment for our last insemination. We knew the route by heart. We could have closed our eyes to get there. Kendall who was not a city driver was driving like he lived up there. No hesitation, no questions, he was now an expert!
The insemination was over, the doctor shook our hands and we just sat there in quiet for 15 minutes waiting until it was time for me to sit up. I got dressed and we headed home.
We started the ovulation tests one more time. When the results were positive we once again travel to the University of Utah Fertility treatment for our last insemination. We knew the route by heart. We could have closed our eyes to get there. Kendall who was not a city driver was driving like he lived up there. No hesitation, no questions, he was now an expert!
The insemination was over, the doctor shook our hands and we just sat there in quiet for 15 minutes waiting until it was time for me to sit up. I got dressed and we headed home.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Post 12
The ovulation kits once again said positive. We headed north to the fertility clinic. When we got there, we once again paid our money, and Kendall seemed to really be enjoying his new found room, lol. After Kendall was done we went to the cafeteria got some food, then sat in the truck to talk. We talked about this being the time when we were pregnant. God loved us and he didn't want us to hurt anymore so this time it would work.
An hour passed and we went back inside the clinic. We once again went into the room and I got my gown on. It seemed like everything was in rewind and then played forward again. We knew the routine. The doctor came in, said hello again and the insemination started. After the doctor was done he explained to us that if we didn't get pregnant this time he wanted to do it one more time and then we would more on to more aggressive things. Which meant it would cost more money.
We headed home, not getting to excited, because it was to hard to get our hopes up and have them crash down on us. We didn't really talk much on the way home, it seemed like we couldn't get home fast enough. I fell asleep hoping the time would go by faster.
An hour passed and we went back inside the clinic. We once again went into the room and I got my gown on. It seemed like everything was in rewind and then played forward again. We knew the routine. The doctor came in, said hello again and the insemination started. After the doctor was done he explained to us that if we didn't get pregnant this time he wanted to do it one more time and then we would more on to more aggressive things. Which meant it would cost more money.
We headed home, not getting to excited, because it was to hard to get our hopes up and have them crash down on us. We didn't really talk much on the way home, it seemed like we couldn't get home fast enough. I fell asleep hoping the time would go by faster.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Post 11
I was asked to coach the freshman girls basketball team. I was so excited so I said YES! I was getting everything set and ready to take the coaching classes when I once again, started my period. We called the fertility clinic and told them the news, I am sure they were thinking $$$$$$, and they said to get more ovulation tests and come back for another insemination when it was positive.
I was crying ALL the time. One time in particular it was a Sunday afternoon, and I had a total break down. I new it was all my fault that I couldn't get pregnant, I did something wrong, I know I did, If I would have, If I did, Why can they? It went on and on. Kendall held me on the couch for a few hours while I was crying my eyes out, and he in return, shed some tears. I did not understand one bit!!!! I finally stopped crying and I was both mentally and physical tired. We decided to go for a ride. We got into our truck and headed up the street, as we were leaving one of Kendalls good friends flagged us down and told us to look at the tornado in the sky, we thought he was just breaking the tension, but we looked up and there was really a tornado!! Yes, here in little Manti. Now that is a completely different story, but for the rest of the day there was something else to think about, talk about other then BABIES!!!!
I was crying ALL the time. One time in particular it was a Sunday afternoon, and I had a total break down. I new it was all my fault that I couldn't get pregnant, I did something wrong, I know I did, If I would have, If I did, Why can they? It went on and on. Kendall held me on the couch for a few hours while I was crying my eyes out, and he in return, shed some tears. I did not understand one bit!!!! I finally stopped crying and I was both mentally and physical tired. We decided to go for a ride. We got into our truck and headed up the street, as we were leaving one of Kendalls good friends flagged us down and told us to look at the tornado in the sky, we thought he was just breaking the tension, but we looked up and there was really a tornado!! Yes, here in little Manti. Now that is a completely different story, but for the rest of the day there was something else to think about, talk about other then BABIES!!!!
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Post 10
The day I started my period we had to call the Fertility Clinic and let them know. They wanted us to do the ovulation test for another month and when the test said positive we were to call them, once again and have another insemination.
During this time I knew I needed to have faith in God again. I needed his strength. We started going to church again. We got our temple recommends and every time we went to the temple we would put our name on the prayer roll. After a session we would sit in the Celestrial room praying and pleading that we could have a baby.
The time came and I was ovulating once again. We made our way to SLC to the fertility clinic for another insemination. After we went in, filled out the papers, and payed our money, Kendall was once again taken to his "Manly Room". On a funny note, I asked him if I could come in this time and he said ya that would be good. A few minutes later he looked and me and asked me very nicely to please leave the room.
An hour later we were taken into a room and I put on the hospital gown, climbed up onto the table and waited for the doctor. This time when he came in he explained that quite often the insemination doesn't work the first time. Most people end up pregnant on there second insemination. This gave us hope and we were once again excited.
During this time I knew I needed to have faith in God again. I needed his strength. We started going to church again. We got our temple recommends and every time we went to the temple we would put our name on the prayer roll. After a session we would sit in the Celestrial room praying and pleading that we could have a baby.
The time came and I was ovulating once again. We made our way to SLC to the fertility clinic for another insemination. After we went in, filled out the papers, and payed our money, Kendall was once again taken to his "Manly Room". On a funny note, I asked him if I could come in this time and he said ya that would be good. A few minutes later he looked and me and asked me very nicely to please leave the room.
An hour later we were taken into a room and I put on the hospital gown, climbed up onto the table and waited for the doctor. This time when he came in he explained that quite often the insemination doesn't work the first time. Most people end up pregnant on there second insemination. This gave us hope and we were once again excited.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Post 9
We went to the store and bought more ovulation kits, I would take my temp ever morning before I woke up to see if it was a little higher then normal and if it was I would start the ovulation kits. Once the ovulation kit said "yes" I called the Fertility Clinic and the next day we were on our way to SLC.
This was the first time we did insemination's. I thought well this is a strange, non personal way to get pregnant, but it has to work!! We went into the office, filled out the paper work, and payed our money. Why on earth does insurances pay for the recovery of a druggie or an alcoholic, something that people cause on there own, but it wont pay for infertility, something that we have no control over??? Do they not think it is a medical condition?? Okay anyways, We payed them our money, and Kendall went into his "fancy MAN room", and I went and had my blood drawn. When we were both all done Kendall handed over his, "special formula". They then start working on the sperm and blood together. They go through and get the best sperm and mix it with some of the blood so the semen is already used to me before it gets in me. This takes about and hour for them to do so we decided to go for a little drive.
The Fertility Clinic is really close to the Hogle Zoo so we drove up there and it was free day, so we went inside and looked around until it was time to go back to the clinic. We held hands and talked as we were walking around. Dreaming about what we were going to name our child, because today was the day we were going to get pregnant. It had to be the day, we had already waited so long. This is all we needed was a little help.
An hour passed and we headed back to the clinic. When we got there we were taken into a room were I put on a hospital gown and I lay down on a bed. The doctor came in with a strange looking syringe. He lifted the bed up high and put my legs up. He told me it would take just a minute. After it was all done, he told me not to move for 15 minutes. I layed there excited thinking that it was a strange way to get pregnant, but I was excited and full of joy. After 15 minutes, Kendall wouldn't let me bend over or anything so he helped me get dressed, and with big smiles on our faces we headed home, knowing that this had to work.
Once again it was time for my period. I waited and waited, I was 2 days late, then I started. I cried and cried and when Kendall got I had to give him the news that I started my period. I was NOT pregnant.
This was the first time we did insemination's. I thought well this is a strange, non personal way to get pregnant, but it has to work!! We went into the office, filled out the paper work, and payed our money. Why on earth does insurances pay for the recovery of a druggie or an alcoholic, something that people cause on there own, but it wont pay for infertility, something that we have no control over??? Do they not think it is a medical condition?? Okay anyways, We payed them our money, and Kendall went into his "fancy MAN room", and I went and had my blood drawn. When we were both all done Kendall handed over his, "special formula". They then start working on the sperm and blood together. They go through and get the best sperm and mix it with some of the blood so the semen is already used to me before it gets in me. This takes about and hour for them to do so we decided to go for a little drive.
The Fertility Clinic is really close to the Hogle Zoo so we drove up there and it was free day, so we went inside and looked around until it was time to go back to the clinic. We held hands and talked as we were walking around. Dreaming about what we were going to name our child, because today was the day we were going to get pregnant. It had to be the day, we had already waited so long. This is all we needed was a little help.
An hour passed and we headed back to the clinic. When we got there we were taken into a room were I put on a hospital gown and I lay down on a bed. The doctor came in with a strange looking syringe. He lifted the bed up high and put my legs up. He told me it would take just a minute. After it was all done, he told me not to move for 15 minutes. I layed there excited thinking that it was a strange way to get pregnant, but I was excited and full of joy. After 15 minutes, Kendall wouldn't let me bend over or anything so he helped me get dressed, and with big smiles on our faces we headed home, knowing that this had to work.
Once again it was time for my period. I waited and waited, I was 2 days late, then I started. I cried and cried and when Kendall got I had to give him the news that I started my period. I was NOT pregnant.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Post 8
We headed back up to Salt Lake for yet another appointment. This time instead of going to the University Hospital we were sent to the University of Utah Fertility Clinic. We met with our doctor and talked about our next step. We talked about all of the tests we had done. The conclusion was, Kendall and I were both perfectly healthy and normal, the reason we couldn't get pregnant was a mystery. I was both relieved and heart broken, I was glad there was nothing wrong, but at the same time if there was something wrong then we could go from there and fix it. Even if the doctor had said that there was no way, no how I would ever be able to have a child I would have been ok with that. It is the unknown that I don't like.
We decided that insemination's would be the best step to take to help us have a child.
We decided that insemination's would be the best step to take to help us have a child.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Post 7
So the appointment was set up to have the test to see if I had a block in my tubes. I couldn't eat anything from 10:00 p.m. on until after the tests. We drove to the University of Utah Hospital and I changed my clothes into the fancy, hospital gown, and I was escorted into the waiting room. I sat there FOREVER!!! I was so nervous because Kendall would not be able to go into the room with me. My stomach was starting to growl, and worst of all the smell of hospitals makes me sick, I mean sick as in passing out, so being hungry, tired, scared, and the smell things were turning out to be bad.
My appointment was set for 9:00 a.m. At 11:00 a.m. the nurse came into the waiting room and said that the doctor was no where to be found, and she would page him again. Finally at 12:30 p.m. The doctor arrived. I followed the nurse back into the exam room where they got me ready for the procedure and you will never guess what happened!! The power went off!! Are you kidding me? This is not a good sign!!!!! So I once again was escorted out to the waiting room to be with Kendall. Can anything else possibly go wrong?!?!?!
The power finally came back on about an hour later and I was taken back into the exam room. I climbed up on the table once again and the nurses prepared me for the procedure. When they check to see if you have a block in your tubes they use what they call a balloon and insert it in to the tube and flush them out. The watch the whole thing on a monitor. As the doctor was ready to flush the first tube, the balloons popped!! Now this is not at all a comfortable thing to have done, and since the balloon popped they had to do it again. After both of the tubes had been flushed I returned to the dressing room to put my regular clothes on. The doctor came out shortly and took us to a back room. He explained that everything looked good in the tubes and that there was no blockages. He said that in some cases after they flush the tubes you are able to get pregnant, so we were to go home, continue with the ovulation tests and come back next month.
My appointment was set for 9:00 a.m. At 11:00 a.m. the nurse came into the waiting room and said that the doctor was no where to be found, and she would page him again. Finally at 12:30 p.m. The doctor arrived. I followed the nurse back into the exam room where they got me ready for the procedure and you will never guess what happened!! The power went off!! Are you kidding me? This is not a good sign!!!!! So I once again was escorted out to the waiting room to be with Kendall. Can anything else possibly go wrong?!?!?!
The power finally came back on about an hour later and I was taken back into the exam room. I climbed up on the table once again and the nurses prepared me for the procedure. When they check to see if you have a block in your tubes they use what they call a balloon and insert it in to the tube and flush them out. The watch the whole thing on a monitor. As the doctor was ready to flush the first tube, the balloons popped!! Now this is not at all a comfortable thing to have done, and since the balloon popped they had to do it again. After both of the tubes had been flushed I returned to the dressing room to put my regular clothes on. The doctor came out shortly and took us to a back room. He explained that everything looked good in the tubes and that there was no blockages. He said that in some cases after they flush the tubes you are able to get pregnant, so we were to go home, continue with the ovulation tests and come back next month.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Post 6
Two weeks later we started our testing at the University of Utah. We both had our examins and assessments. Blood worked drawn, ultrasounds and semen tested. We scheduled another appointment for the next week to receive the test results and to discuss further options.
We arrived at to the doctors again excited to hear the test results. Good new, Kendalls semen was above average with both mobility and numbers. My blood work for the thyroid came back normal, I was ovulating normally and my ultrasounds looked normal. Good news, right? Well, the next step was having me do some very uncomfortable tests to check to see if my uterus tilted different, and so on, some of which I don't really want to go into right now, and one of them was to see if my tubes were blocked.
We arrived at to the doctors again excited to hear the test results. Good new, Kendalls semen was above average with both mobility and numbers. My blood work for the thyroid came back normal, I was ovulating normally and my ultrasounds looked normal. Good news, right? Well, the next step was having me do some very uncomfortable tests to check to see if my uterus tilted different, and so on, some of which I don't really want to go into right now, and one of them was to see if my tubes were blocked.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Post 5
In October 2000 our local doctor referred us to The University of Utah Fertility Clinic. We first met our new doctor, Dr. Peterson, inProvo. Our first meeting with our new doctor was pretty simple. We expressed to him our desires to have a baby and the feelings we had been having. He comforted us by telling us that he WOULD find the problem and I WOULD have a baby.
Finally the answers to our prayers!! I would finally have a baby!!!
Finally the answers to our prayers!! I would finally have a baby!!!
Friday, May 14, 2010
Post 4
Now I am on Prozac I don't cry all the time. I am sure I am a lot easier to get along with, and it is easier to put infertility in the back of my mind.
A few more years went and passed. I started bringing up the word ADOPTION. Ever since I was a little girl I thought adopting a baby would be really cool, after I had had a few children of my own. Kendall wasn't sure about adopting. What if the parents came back and took there baby? What if the baby was a drug baby? What if, What if, What if?!?!?! We talked about adopting on several occasions and it just ended up with us both really angry about not being able to have kids of our own. Ever night on T.V. you see parents who have hurt or killed there children, why on earth could they have kids, and we couldn't? I would once again get angry at God asking him why, so and so could have a baby, because they couldn't take care of one, not like I could!!!
A few more years went and passed. I started bringing up the word ADOPTION. Ever since I was a little girl I thought adopting a baby would be really cool, after I had had a few children of my own. Kendall wasn't sure about adopting. What if the parents came back and took there baby? What if the baby was a drug baby? What if, What if, What if?!?!?! We talked about adopting on several occasions and it just ended up with us both really angry about not being able to have kids of our own. Ever night on T.V. you see parents who have hurt or killed there children, why on earth could they have kids, and we couldn't? I would once again get angry at God asking him why, so and so could have a baby, because they couldn't take care of one, not like I could!!!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Post 3
Mothers Day and Birthday were the worst. I sure as hell didn't want ANYONE to wish me a happy mothers day. I was NOT a mother!! And birthdays, well all I could think of was how old I was getting, which really wasn't that old, but I was infertile, unattractive, and depressed. I cried over everything. Kendall was and always has been so supportive to me. He would hold me tight and tell me everything was going to be alright, even though I knew that there was possibly be no way for things to be ok it still comforted me for a small time. I went to my local doctor and asked that he put me on some sort of medication. He put me on Prozac, which I loved. It made me numb.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Post 2
After two years of being married and not being able to conceive a child I started to wonder if it would ever happen. All through out Young Women's we were taught that we would get married to a worthy man in the temple and shortly after we were to start having children. I was struggling with this everyday thinking that I had somehow wronged God and this was my punishment. I stopped going to the temple, I hated church, I hated seeing people at the store and have them tell me it was about time to have a baby. I despised the fact that my sister-in-law was having a baby. I put on a happy face, but I was dying inside, emotionally. We finally decided to go talk to our doctor about our desire to have children. We were told to be patient and in the mean time to use condoms for 6 months and then try again.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Post 1
As a young women I was very active in my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I served several church callings, including being the president of the Laurel class. Every Sunday I was excited to welcome the younger girls in church and comfort those who were shy or who were going through difficult times. I loved listening to the lessons and the music, I especially liked the lessons that talked about "me" getting married and having children.
In May 1996 I graduated from high school and I married the man of my dreams, Kendall on March 21, 1997 in the Manti LDS Temple.
A few months after I was married, we decided to start a family. Things were crazy at the time since we had my brother-in-law, wife and two kids living with us while they built there house. Kendall was working full time at the high school as a custodian as well as helping build his brothers house. I was taking classes from Snow College so we only saw each other a few hours a day, which was hard in its self.
In December 1997 my brother-in-laws house was ready to move into. Christmas Eve was the first night we spent ALONE in our own house, and I was filled with joy thinking that this would be the night we started our family. Little did we know, starting a family would be one of the biggest trials in our marriage, and life.
In May 1996 I graduated from high school and I married the man of my dreams, Kendall on March 21, 1997 in the Manti LDS Temple.
A few months after I was married, we decided to start a family. Things were crazy at the time since we had my brother-in-law, wife and two kids living with us while they built there house. Kendall was working full time at the high school as a custodian as well as helping build his brothers house. I was taking classes from Snow College so we only saw each other a few hours a day, which was hard in its self.
In December 1997 my brother-in-laws house was ready to move into. Christmas Eve was the first night we spent ALONE in our own house, and I was filled with joy thinking that this would be the night we started our family. Little did we know, starting a family would be one of the biggest trials in our marriage, and life.
My Infertility Story
I have decided to start a blog about my life with infertility. It is so amazing how many people are dealing with it and it is really nice to be able to share stories. Please be patient with me and I will place my first post ASAP! Thank you!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
